I was applying for a leadership position at my college, and I had to explain where this kind of leadership follows God's calling for my life, and it was weird how blunt I was in black and white, but I also liked it, so I'm saving it here.
I have been through a lot in my life. In many instances, people have come to me while going through a hardship in their lives, and I am able to help them with ways that will make life less painful, since I probably have already gone through it. God has given me a lot of experience in a lot of nasty things throughout my life. In total, and not all at once, I have lost both grandmothers, my father, my mother, my stepfather, and my brother. I suffer from a recent discovery of scars from emotional abuse, which manifests itself in the trial that is PTSD-related anxiety. I have experienced domestic abuse, poverty, near-homelessness, and deep, tearing loneliness. Yet, through it all, God has supported me. Essentially, he has pushed me to the brink of many awful situations, enough to taste a lot of very bitter wines but not drown in them. So I guess I would consider my calling to direct others towards God in the trial, to be a person who has already gone through a situation and has learned that through it all, God is powerful, and all knowing, and all providing, and incredibly, inexplicably loving. I'm not exactly sure where God is leading me, and I've kind of had to stop trying to plan out my life for fear of God putting me through a trial to humble me enough to submit to his plan. But, I believe that to help someone find that wonder that took me so many years and tears to work through, and to help people discover ways for life to not hurt so badly would be a very noble calling.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
Happy Women's Day
(this is a republishing, since the last version of this decided to format weirdly and no one could actually read it)
One of the best things about college is the fact that I actually feel like my opinion is respected. In high school, I was kind of "below average." I was actually technically above average, but I hung out with such crazy smart, type-A people, so if you took me and my friends and put us on a scale of intellect, I would probably be about the middle of the spectrum, and I did stay with the pack grade-wise, but I didn't really feel respected. Like, because I had slightly more of a conservative view on politics, I was completely shut down whenever I opened my mouth, so I just stopped trying. Even from the conservative point of view ins Sussex, I still wasn't heard, because I wasn't a crazy suburban white man with no logic to my arguments. So I knew nothing about local politics, and I kind of just kept my mouth shut. Girls don't talk about politics where I'm from, and if they do, they're either liberal, or not listened to at all. But now I'm here. And here, I actually have a job IN local politics. And here, I'm not pigeonholed into the "gifted kids" group, included and compared with them constantly.
One of my favorite things here is when guys start talking about politics, and I pipe up and share something, and they just freak out... like WOW. She has good points! I feel respected by the guys here, and that's such a rare and cool thing. Like, I had a small political debate with a really good friend of mine, and he actually respected my opinion enough to disagree with it. In the past, I've tried to push a little, to disagree, to make a slightly controversial or different statement, and either the guy I was talking with would completely shut me down, or he would immediately agree with me because he didn't care enough about me or the topic to actually hash it out. But this friend, he actually seriously considered my argument, and listened, and then he DISAGREED. And that was fantastic.
I think the person who I would consider one of my major roles is someone I actually discovered quite recently. She's a woman named Mary Fisher, who is credited with giving one of the greatest speeches of all time, titled A Whisper of AIDS. It was given to the Republican National Convention in 1992, and it literally rocked the house. I guess I respect her so much because of the reactions of the whitewashed male Republican members. I'm paraphrasing, but one man said something like, "If anyone else had said what she said, we might not have listened as well, but to hear this Republican princess, this near-angel get up there and talk commanded our attention." I feel like there aren't a lot of strong, sane Republican women. If you have a passion for social issues and you are loud about it, women usually have a more attentive ear on the Liberal side, so they support that side. But, at the same time, even though it is true that the Republican side tends to be a bit of a sausage fest, the lack of female voices on the Republican side is partly because Republican women are either taught to be quiet and not so strong-willed, or they become kind of like the Republican men, aggressive, overly confrontational and overbearing.
I very recently went to this conference for the Colorado Women's Alliance, and I was so incredibly inspired by the women there. They were tough, and smart, and absolutely terrifying. However, they also had this kind of aura around them, a gracefulness that made them so beautiful, and you couldn't help but have a deep, deep respect for these women. I met a women who was the founder of her own Cotillion School, where she taught etiquette. And she was awesome. I guess that's the kind of woman I aspire to be. I want to be a woman who is respected and intelligent, and tough as nails, but who also knows how to be gracious and genteel and composed. People lose respect for women because women let themselves get dragged down into drama and cattiness, and start pulling each other down, but what we really should be doing is simply aspiring to great things ourselves, taking the hands of the beautiful women around us and pulling them along with us.
Women are negotiators. They inspire. They build fires in the hearts of people.
That's just a little something I've been learning lately. I am made to inspire. I am made to encourage. I am made to be gracious, and kind, and loving, and to bring up important issues and talk intelligently about it. Conservative women are smart, and strong, and they need to speak up more, because I think the world needs to hear what they have to say.
One of the best things about college is the fact that I actually feel like my opinion is respected. In high school, I was kind of "below average." I was actually technically above average, but I hung out with such crazy smart, type-A people, so if you took me and my friends and put us on a scale of intellect, I would probably be about the middle of the spectrum, and I did stay with the pack grade-wise, but I didn't really feel respected. Like, because I had slightly more of a conservative view on politics, I was completely shut down whenever I opened my mouth, so I just stopped trying. Even from the conservative point of view ins Sussex, I still wasn't heard, because I wasn't a crazy suburban white man with no logic to my arguments. So I knew nothing about local politics, and I kind of just kept my mouth shut. Girls don't talk about politics where I'm from, and if they do, they're either liberal, or not listened to at all. But now I'm here. And here, I actually have a job IN local politics. And here, I'm not pigeonholed into the "gifted kids" group, included and compared with them constantly.
One of my favorite things here is when guys start talking about politics, and I pipe up and share something, and they just freak out... like WOW. She has good points! I feel respected by the guys here, and that's such a rare and cool thing. Like, I had a small political debate with a really good friend of mine, and he actually respected my opinion enough to disagree with it. In the past, I've tried to push a little, to disagree, to make a slightly controversial or different statement, and either the guy I was talking with would completely shut me down, or he would immediately agree with me because he didn't care enough about me or the topic to actually hash it out. But this friend, he actually seriously considered my argument, and listened, and then he DISAGREED. And that was fantastic.
I think the person who I would consider one of my major roles is someone I actually discovered quite recently. She's a woman named Mary Fisher, who is credited with giving one of the greatest speeches of all time, titled A Whisper of AIDS. It was given to the Republican National Convention in 1992, and it literally rocked the house. I guess I respect her so much because of the reactions of the whitewashed male Republican members. I'm paraphrasing, but one man said something like, "If anyone else had said what she said, we might not have listened as well, but to hear this Republican princess, this near-angel get up there and talk commanded our attention." I feel like there aren't a lot of strong, sane Republican women. If you have a passion for social issues and you are loud about it, women usually have a more attentive ear on the Liberal side, so they support that side. But, at the same time, even though it is true that the Republican side tends to be a bit of a sausage fest, the lack of female voices on the Republican side is partly because Republican women are either taught to be quiet and not so strong-willed, or they become kind of like the Republican men, aggressive, overly confrontational and overbearing.
I very recently went to this conference for the Colorado Women's Alliance, and I was so incredibly inspired by the women there. They were tough, and smart, and absolutely terrifying. However, they also had this kind of aura around them, a gracefulness that made them so beautiful, and you couldn't help but have a deep, deep respect for these women. I met a women who was the founder of her own Cotillion School, where she taught etiquette. And she was awesome. I guess that's the kind of woman I aspire to be. I want to be a woman who is respected and intelligent, and tough as nails, but who also knows how to be gracious and genteel and composed. People lose respect for women because women let themselves get dragged down into drama and cattiness, and start pulling each other down, but what we really should be doing is simply aspiring to great things ourselves, taking the hands of the beautiful women around us and pulling them along with us.
Women are negotiators. They inspire. They build fires in the hearts of people.
That's just a little something I've been learning lately. I am made to inspire. I am made to encourage. I am made to be gracious, and kind, and loving, and to bring up important issues and talk intelligently about it. Conservative women are smart, and strong, and they need to speak up more, because I think the world needs to hear what they have to say.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Conjunction Girl
(sometimes you just need to write the crappy poem... so i'm sorry the following is nothing of literary merit, but its raw and honest, and sometimes i think its okay that poetry is just that)
conjunction girl
she was always paired up;
him and her, all of them together.
you are both important,
i love you and also her
i chose them, yet you are still here.
i was betrayed, and i turn to you.
you are special, but not as much;
you make me happy, but they do too.
i could spend the day with you or her,
i would be happy either way.
but i say that you're precious for
the tears in your eyes compel
me to claim "i need you, i swear!"
and turn around to choose them instead.
what she really wants is to be necessary.
to stand alone,
to be irreplaceable
on her own.
-k
-k
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Beast
panic.
the waves of terror smashed into her at the most peaceful or happy of times. maybe it wasn't actually a wave of terror, because with waves, you can see them coming, you can anticipate the destruction. no, this was like a tornado or a hurricane, and there was no predicting, no preparing, no escaping.
the only thing that warned her of the attack were the few, small, unexplained tears that leaked out of her eyes and kept coming and coming, despite her intentions to make them stop. we're in a public place, you can't do this here. this can't happen here. but of course terror doesn't listen to reason or pleading. and she knew that if she wanted to make this so-called "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" enjoyable for anyone else, she would have to run and take the tornado with her.
so she ran. she fled as far as she could before the tornado touched the earth before she would be trapped in the terror that she knew would inevitably engulf her. finding a small, dark cave, she huddled there.
no one would find her tucked away in the belly of the earth. here, the storm could come and it would affect her, only her, and that was okay. so she let the storm in.
the terror whipped her up into sobs and cries of anguish as her emotions turned against her. anxiety ravaged her brain as she crumpled up, shaking and rocking and crying. sometimes the cries were small and hushed and stuck in her ribcage, like small hail stones that ripped and cut. sometimes the cries were loud and painful and all she could do was to hold tight to her chair as the fear poured out of her mouth and eyes and nose and ears and heart. sometimes the rain stopped and she gasped in low, shallow breaths. she could never get enough oxygen, god, why was this happening? why couldn't she get enough air? it took everything inside of her to replenish the oxygen that was being used up by the terrors controlling her, to feed it enough to keep the fear form completely engulfing her. she began to chant quiet calming songs from last year in an attempt to wrench back some of her rogue emotions. "o magnum mysterium et admirabile sacramentum o magnum mysterium..." for some reason it worked. she was regaining control.
it didnt make sense. fear was something to spur her on, to be felt and acknowledged but always to be conquered. fear was standing on the ledge of the bungee cord course and hearing the girl next to you start to panic. she felt the fear rise up and start to overcome her.... no. it could be conquered. she grabbed the girl's arm and sprinted off the platform into thin air.
she knew the fear of the unknown, when someone she trusted betrayed her and now she was on her own again. but that was okay. she would simply take everything she had inside her and throw it at the fear blocking her way. that was a good fear, a testing fear. a hard fear, but a constructive fear, one one that proved she was made of more than she thought she was.
this was an entirely new kind of fear. the familiar first fear came from inside. it was made up of the insecure, selfish, dark parts of her, but it was still her. this fear was more. it was engulfing. it was destroying. and all she could think as the winds of terror picked up again was, "i didn't want this. i didn't ask for this. this isn't me." she began to rock back and forth in her chair to reassure herself that she had a small, insignificant amount of control over the storm. but it raged on.
"jacentem precepio o magnum mysterium..."
the worst part was, when the storm finally passed, when the beast finally released her from its darkened, dripping claws, nobody believed her. no one could see the poison from the beast that now coursed through her veins, turning her skin white and the bags beneath her eyes purple. no one tried to comprehend that she was not herself, instead dismissing it as stress or overwork. "you've been spreading yourself too thin," they said, "you need to cut down a little." "it's only emotions. just be happy." "just will it to go away." and she gazed at the world with eyes filled with the beast, and spoke with lips sore from trying to explain to lead ears. she ran away again, grabbed a pen, and began to write.
"panic. the waves of terror smashed into her..."
-k
the waves of terror smashed into her at the most peaceful or happy of times. maybe it wasn't actually a wave of terror, because with waves, you can see them coming, you can anticipate the destruction. no, this was like a tornado or a hurricane, and there was no predicting, no preparing, no escaping.
the only thing that warned her of the attack were the few, small, unexplained tears that leaked out of her eyes and kept coming and coming, despite her intentions to make them stop. we're in a public place, you can't do this here. this can't happen here. but of course terror doesn't listen to reason or pleading. and she knew that if she wanted to make this so-called "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" enjoyable for anyone else, she would have to run and take the tornado with her.
so she ran. she fled as far as she could before the tornado touched the earth before she would be trapped in the terror that she knew would inevitably engulf her. finding a small, dark cave, she huddled there.
no one would find her tucked away in the belly of the earth. here, the storm could come and it would affect her, only her, and that was okay. so she let the storm in.
the terror whipped her up into sobs and cries of anguish as her emotions turned against her. anxiety ravaged her brain as she crumpled up, shaking and rocking and crying. sometimes the cries were small and hushed and stuck in her ribcage, like small hail stones that ripped and cut. sometimes the cries were loud and painful and all she could do was to hold tight to her chair as the fear poured out of her mouth and eyes and nose and ears and heart. sometimes the rain stopped and she gasped in low, shallow breaths. she could never get enough oxygen, god, why was this happening? why couldn't she get enough air? it took everything inside of her to replenish the oxygen that was being used up by the terrors controlling her, to feed it enough to keep the fear form completely engulfing her. she began to chant quiet calming songs from last year in an attempt to wrench back some of her rogue emotions. "o magnum mysterium et admirabile sacramentum o magnum mysterium..." for some reason it worked. she was regaining control.
it didnt make sense. fear was something to spur her on, to be felt and acknowledged but always to be conquered. fear was standing on the ledge of the bungee cord course and hearing the girl next to you start to panic. she felt the fear rise up and start to overcome her.... no. it could be conquered. she grabbed the girl's arm and sprinted off the platform into thin air.
she knew the fear of the unknown, when someone she trusted betrayed her and now she was on her own again. but that was okay. she would simply take everything she had inside her and throw it at the fear blocking her way. that was a good fear, a testing fear. a hard fear, but a constructive fear, one one that proved she was made of more than she thought she was.
this was an entirely new kind of fear. the familiar first fear came from inside. it was made up of the insecure, selfish, dark parts of her, but it was still her. this fear was more. it was engulfing. it was destroying. and all she could think as the winds of terror picked up again was, "i didn't want this. i didn't ask for this. this isn't me." she began to rock back and forth in her chair to reassure herself that she had a small, insignificant amount of control over the storm. but it raged on.
"jacentem precepio o magnum mysterium..."
the worst part was, when the storm finally passed, when the beast finally released her from its darkened, dripping claws, nobody believed her. no one could see the poison from the beast that now coursed through her veins, turning her skin white and the bags beneath her eyes purple. no one tried to comprehend that she was not herself, instead dismissing it as stress or overwork. "you've been spreading yourself too thin," they said, "you need to cut down a little." "it's only emotions. just be happy." "just will it to go away." and she gazed at the world with eyes filled with the beast, and spoke with lips sore from trying to explain to lead ears. she ran away again, grabbed a pen, and began to write.
"panic. the waves of terror smashed into her..."
-k
To Hold Back
I took an oddly perceptive personality test, and along with the many things they told me about myself that I didn't realize until it was put into words, they mentioned that I am a extroverted person and I make friends with extroverted people really easily, but I'm also someone that will pursue an introverted person to the ends of the earth and slowly break down their barriers, while keeping a respectful distance and distracting them with fun stories and smiles and interesting things that are special to me. I've found that if I want to know more about someone, the best thing to do is to trust them with things that are interesting or important or a little painful about me, and then they know they can trust me enough to share a little about themselves. But this test also said that the hardest thing for people like me to take is to feel unimportant.
I guess this is true especially right now... I'm in an odd place of transition right now, an in-between, and I was so used to feeling important and useful and needed, and now I honestly can't say that if I were to go join the wolves, I would be irreplaceable. I guess that's what I need to know. I need someone to make me feel like they wouldn't know how to cope for a while if I were to drop off the face of the earth.
I guess another, less morbid way to say it is that I have an abundance of feelings and emotions and love in my heart. I want to share it so much with so many people, and sometimes I find one person who I know I wouldn't be able to replace if they shunned me, and all I want to do is to pour myself continually and continually into that person, to shower them with loving looks and little moments of connection and small gifts like pebbles from brooks and paper cranes and tiny flowers. But because I'm someone who tends to end up with introverted people as my closest friends, I know that would scare them off. I know it would make them overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
And I know that if I let this dam loose that I've built up to hold my emotions and feelings and love towards someone, it will also let all the bad things out too. Things from my past, things that are happening right now. Feelings of betrayal and loneliness and desperation and neediness that I don't want to put on someone else who has their own issues and problems to deal with. I feel like everyone else's lives are hard enough without dealing with my stuff too.
It's not like this all the time... it's just once in a while. I just need to find outlets... places to love other people or animals who need love more than anything, so I won't scare them or be too intense and freak them out. So I hold back, and sometimes the dam stretches and cracks and hurts and burns, but I know that if I just rebuild it, if I constantly keep my feelings from the world, it will be okay.
-k
-k
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Letter to Me
Here is a letter I had to write to myself at the beginning of the year for my very dumb Integration class. Luckily, I am done with the class now, so I thought it would be interesting to open the letter. It amused me.
Hello me,
I am a freshman at CCU. Freshmen are annoying. They don't have any idea what is happening. I have no idea what is happening. Help me.
There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now-- about my job, my extra-curriculars, who will my best friend here be? Will I ever overcome my fear of relationships? Hopefully some of those unknowns will be resolved by the time you open this, otherwise you are royally screwed right now, Kira Lange.
I think the biggest thing I'm scared about school-wise is the fact that I got 100% on my first English paper. Basically, that means the only way to go is down. Please don't fall too far. I like being up here.
I also miss having a cat. If you don't feel the same way, you are no longer Kira and you have been replaced by an alien life form. Die, alien scum.
<3 Kira
-k
Hello me,
I am a freshman at CCU. Freshmen are annoying. They don't have any idea what is happening. I have no idea what is happening. Help me.
There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now-- about my job, my extra-curriculars, who will my best friend here be? Will I ever overcome my fear of relationships? Hopefully some of those unknowns will be resolved by the time you open this, otherwise you are royally screwed right now, Kira Lange.
I think the biggest thing I'm scared about school-wise is the fact that I got 100% on my first English paper. Basically, that means the only way to go is down. Please don't fall too far. I like being up here.
I also miss having a cat. If you don't feel the same way, you are no longer Kira and you have been replaced by an alien life form. Die, alien scum.
<3 Kira
-k
Monday, December 7, 2015
An Awkward Story
Just because life is stressful right now and I need a laugh, so I'm assuming you need one as well, and some of my recent stuff has been kind of serious, today I am going to tell you the story about the most beautiful guy ever, and how I drove him away.
The beautiful guy on the far left is Caleb Heinritz. He is the guy. Yeah. I know.
I had been going to this pretty big youth group that encompassed pretty much all of Waukesha County for a few months, on and off, but fairly consistently. He was a senior youth. He was beautiful. He had a deep personal relationship with God. He was athletic and smart and he had the CUTEST hair that had ever existed (it was different back then.. not so flynn rider-ish. he was cute then, he's drop dead gorgeous now). All the girls were totally into him, and I'm like, wow, I would never have any chance with him. He's so incredibly hot. So I never really tried to talk to him or flirt or anything, both because at that time (and still currently), I had no flirting skills whatsoever.
And then, at our youth group Christmas Party, everything changed. I was looking dang fine, for once, and we all got together and mixed up and talked. At one point, I sneezed into my shoulder, discreetly, like a lady, and then kept going on my way. We all partnered up, and lo and behold, I was paired up with the legendary Caleb Heinritz. He was engaging. I was sugared up so I had enough energy to converse with someone so so far out of my league. It was an amazing conversation. We talked about life, and God's place in our destiny, and what our futures would be like, and our interests and hobbies, and school and people and love and laughter. He was so PRESENT in the conversation, like, I don't think he broke my eye contact unless I was being awkward and looking down myself. It was wonderful. I was smitten. And then we stopped having our little discussion time and I walked over to brag (a little... i mean, it was CALEB HEINRITZ) to my cousins who were standing around the concessions table, and I started gushing, when my cousin stopped me. "What is that on your shoulder?" she asked. I glanced down, and smeared into my shirt was the biggest wad of snot you have ever seen. It had been perched there all night, through all my discussions, and most importantly, with my conversation with Caleb Heinritz. My life was over.
And that is the story of how I died.
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