Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Beast


the waves of terror smashed into her at the most peaceful or happy of times. maybe it wasn't actually a wave of terror, because with waves, you can see them coming, you can anticipate the destruction. no, this was like a tornado or a hurricane, and there was no predicting, no preparing, no escaping.

the only thing that warned her of the attack were the few, small, unexplained tears that leaked out of her eyes and kept coming and coming, despite her intentions to make them stop. we're in a public place, you can't do this here. this can't happen here. but of course terror doesn't listen to reason or pleading. and she knew that if she wanted to make this so-called "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" enjoyable for anyone else, she would have to run and take the tornado with her.

so she ran. she fled as far as she could before the tornado touched the earth before she would be trapped in the terror that she knew would inevitably engulf her. finding a small, dark cave, she huddled there.

no one would find her tucked away in the belly of the earth. here, the storm could come and it would affect her, only her, and that was okay. so she let the storm in.

the terror whipped her up into sobs and cries of anguish as her emotions turned against her. anxiety ravaged her brain as she crumpled up, shaking and rocking and crying. sometimes the cries were small and hushed and stuck in her ribcage, like small hail stones that ripped and cut. sometimes the cries were loud and painful and all she could do was to hold tight to her chair as the fear poured out of her mouth and eyes and nose and ears and heart. sometimes the rain stopped and she gasped in low, shallow breaths. she could never get enough oxygen, god, why was this happening? why couldn't she get enough air? it took everything inside of her to replenish the oxygen that was being used up by the terrors controlling her, to feed it enough to keep the fear form completely engulfing her. she began to chant quiet calming songs from last year in an attempt to wrench back some of her rogue emotions. "o magnum mysterium et admirabile sacramentum o magnum mysterium..." for some reason it worked. she was regaining control.

it didnt make sense. fear was something to spur her on, to be felt and acknowledged but always to be conquered. fear was standing on the ledge of the bungee cord course and hearing the girl next to you start to panic. she felt the fear rise up and start to overcome her.... no. it could be conquered. she grabbed the girl's arm and sprinted off the platform into thin air.

she knew the fear of the unknown, when someone she trusted betrayed her and now she was on her own again. but that was okay. she would simply take everything she had inside her and throw it at the fear blocking her way. that was a good fear, a testing fear. a hard fear, but a constructive fear, one one that proved she was made of more than she thought she was.

this was an entirely new kind of fear. the familiar first fear came from inside. it was made up of the insecure, selfish, dark parts of her, but it was still her. this fear was more. it was engulfing. it was destroying. and all she could think as the winds of terror picked up again was, "i didn't want this. i didn't ask for this. this isn't me." she began to rock back and forth in her chair to reassure herself that she had a small, insignificant amount of control over the storm. but it raged on.

"jacentem precepio o magnum mysterium..."

the worst part was, when the storm finally passed, when the beast finally released her from its darkened, dripping claws, nobody believed her. no one could see the poison from the beast that now coursed through her veins, turning her skin white and the bags beneath her eyes purple. no one tried to comprehend that she was not herself, instead dismissing it as stress or overwork. "you've been spreading yourself too thin," they said, "you need to cut down a little." "it's only emotions. just be happy." "just will it to go away." and she gazed at the world with eyes filled with the beast, and spoke with lips sore from trying to explain to lead ears. she ran away again, grabbed a pen, and began to write.

"panic. the waves of terror smashed into her..."


To Hold Back

I took an oddly perceptive personality test, and along with the many things they told me about myself that I didn't realize until it was put into words, they mentioned that I am a extroverted person and I make friends with extroverted people really easily, but I'm also someone that will pursue an introverted person to the ends of the earth and slowly break down their barriers, while keeping a respectful distance and distracting them with fun stories and smiles and interesting things that are special to me. I've found that if I want to know more about someone, the best thing to do is to trust them with things that are interesting or important or a little painful about me, and then they know they can trust me enough to share a little about themselves. But this test also said that the hardest thing for people like me to take is to feel unimportant.

I guess this is true especially right now... I'm in an odd place of transition right now, an in-between, and I was so used to feeling important and useful and needed, and now I honestly can't say that if I were to go join the wolves, I would be irreplaceable. I guess that's what I need to know. I need someone to make me feel like they wouldn't know how to cope for a while if I were to drop off the face of the earth.
I guess another, less morbid way to say it is that I have an abundance of feelings and emotions and love in my heart. I want to share it so much with so many people, and sometimes I find one person who I know I wouldn't be able to replace if they shunned me, and all I want to do is to pour myself continually and continually into that person, to shower them with loving looks and little moments of connection and small gifts like pebbles from brooks and paper cranes and tiny flowers. But because I'm someone who tends to end up with introverted people as my closest friends, I know that would scare them off. I know it would make them overwhelmed and uncomfortable. 

And I know that if I let this dam loose that I've built up to hold my emotions and feelings and love towards someone, it will also let all the bad things out too. Things from my past, things that are happening right now. Feelings of betrayal and loneliness and desperation and neediness that I don't want to put on someone else who has their own issues and problems to deal with. I feel like everyone else's lives are hard enough without dealing with my stuff too. 

It's not like this all the time... it's just once in a while. I just need to find outlets... places to love other people or animals who need love more than anything, so I won't scare them or be too intense and freak them out. So I hold back, and sometimes the dam stretches and cracks and hurts and burns, but I know that if I just rebuild it, if I constantly keep my feelings from the world, it will be okay.