Sunday, January 17, 2016

To Hold Back

I took an oddly perceptive personality test, and along with the many things they told me about myself that I didn't realize until it was put into words, they mentioned that I am a extroverted person and I make friends with extroverted people really easily, but I'm also someone that will pursue an introverted person to the ends of the earth and slowly break down their barriers, while keeping a respectful distance and distracting them with fun stories and smiles and interesting things that are special to me. I've found that if I want to know more about someone, the best thing to do is to trust them with things that are interesting or important or a little painful about me, and then they know they can trust me enough to share a little about themselves. But this test also said that the hardest thing for people like me to take is to feel unimportant.

I guess this is true especially right now... I'm in an odd place of transition right now, an in-between, and I was so used to feeling important and useful and needed, and now I honestly can't say that if I were to go join the wolves, I would be irreplaceable. I guess that's what I need to know. I need someone to make me feel like they wouldn't know how to cope for a while if I were to drop off the face of the earth.
I guess another, less morbid way to say it is that I have an abundance of feelings and emotions and love in my heart. I want to share it so much with so many people, and sometimes I find one person who I know I wouldn't be able to replace if they shunned me, and all I want to do is to pour myself continually and continually into that person, to shower them with loving looks and little moments of connection and small gifts like pebbles from brooks and paper cranes and tiny flowers. But because I'm someone who tends to end up with introverted people as my closest friends, I know that would scare them off. I know it would make them overwhelmed and uncomfortable. 

And I know that if I let this dam loose that I've built up to hold my emotions and feelings and love towards someone, it will also let all the bad things out too. Things from my past, things that are happening right now. Feelings of betrayal and loneliness and desperation and neediness that I don't want to put on someone else who has their own issues and problems to deal with. I feel like everyone else's lives are hard enough without dealing with my stuff too. 

It's not like this all the time... it's just once in a while. I just need to find outlets... places to love other people or animals who need love more than anything, so I won't scare them or be too intense and freak them out. So I hold back, and sometimes the dam stretches and cracks and hurts and burns, but I know that if I just rebuild it, if I constantly keep my feelings from the world, it will be okay.


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