I recently realized something about myself that kind of surprised me. As a general rule, I really am not flirtatious in any way, shape or for. A guy I liked once confided in me about his dreams for the future, and I very eloquently, sincerely burped in his face. In a musical I was in last year, I was unfortunately required to be sexy and alluring (unfortunately for everyone else...) in one of the numbers, and my first attempt at being irresistible ended in me accidentally punching a chair and making my knuckles bleed. The conversations I have with guys usually consist of arguments about which of us would make the better fruit snack, or a detailed analysis of the artistic intent of an author and whether he purposely made his pronouns and antecedents disagree to add to the pathos of the piece. I say again, I do not, and in most circumstances, physically cannot for fear of harming my person, flirt.
However, it's come to my attention that for some reason, when I go to things like graduation parties, I do actually have an ability to talk to the male species and flirt a little without any burping or mention of fruit snack battles, which is a little strange. But after thinking about it for a little while, I think I've discovered why I suddenly find the confidence or ability or whatever it is when I go to graduation parties or leadership conferences or church camps; it's because there is no risk. I can be impulsive and sarcastic and goofy and I can make a complete idiot of myself and I can bounce back from it and it's okay because I will most likely never see Matt from Lauren's graduation party ever again. I don't have his number, I never had any classes with him and I never will, and I don't even know his last name. And now that I've identified the fact that I'm so weirdly confident around guys when it's just me and them and no expectations or preconceived ideas, it kind of blows my mind 'cuz I've realized how many encounters I've had with guys, and just people in general, where I've had really cool or nerdy or insightful or simply enjoyable conversations I've had with them because I didn't worry about being "normal." I mean, I still look back on the night I discussed the finer points of Superman with a really cute guy at church camp while we sat on a blanket in the night-cooled grass watching fireworks, and even though I don't even remember his name, it still was an amazing night, because we were able to be completely ourselves. It kind of makes me wonder if I had that confidence all the time? What if I walked into every conversation I have with someone without worrying about what they think of me, and just concentrating on being the fullest, most vibrant version of myself, because that instant might be the only time our timelines intersect?
Maybe then I would actually have a boyfriend now instead of writing in a mac 'n cheese duct-tape covered notebook at 11:38 on a Sunday night. :)