Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Everything is Bittersweet

I'm so tired of being sad. I'm leaving for college in exactly a week, and I've been consistently sad for the past week and a half.
People always ask me, "Kira, why are you so happy all the time?" I think it's a combination of surrounding myself with people who make being happy easy, of having a relationship with God, and of doing things that I enjoy often, but I think the simplest explanation is that I live my life happy because happy is way more fun. I love being in a good mood, and even if I do end up getting upset about something, I can be coaxed out of my funk pretty easily. Because I don't WANT to be upset. I hate being sad. But I especially hate sad things that made me upset for a long time. I'm pretty sure that leaving home and saying goodbye to everything that makes me happy and walking into a situation that has nothing familiar about it can be characterized as an upsetting situation. I've been trying to cheer myself up, but every time I do, something reminds me why I don't want to go.
Like, I just got to talk on the phone today with my best friend for a long time, and that put me in a good mood, but then I remembered that I'm not going to be able to just... meet up with her at her locker to tell her a funny story that happened in class, or spontaneously get together to watch movies and eat pizza. Or, my mom got me ice cream sandwiches a couple of days ago, because I had absentmindedly remarked that I was really craving them, but then I remembered that I'm not going to have times anymore when I get surprised by little thoughtful gifts, because the only person that will really care about me in Colorado for a little while is me, and only me.
Everything I do is bittersweet, and that gets really hard.
I almost feel like I shouldn't try and cheer myself up, even if I could, 'cuz I kind of feel like I'm losing myself, almost. Like, I SHOULD be sad, because I'm losing a whole version of myself who got to chase her friends around the Fine Arts Center after school, a Kira who has a wonderful mom who gives her ice cream sandwiches when she's sad, a version of Kira who only has to worry about talking to her crush (she never will) and looking kind of stupid, but that's okay, because that Kira is clumsy and she makes mistakes and everyone around her loves her so much they hold her up when she falls. I loved being that Kira, and I'm incredibly sorry to see her go. Part of me almost feels like I should mourn her now, while I'm transitioning, because when I get to CO, I won't be able to curl up and cry, since I'll be surrounded by strangers and I have to take care of myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I get to go out to Colorado. The practical, logical part of me knows that doing this is the right choice, that I'll grow and mature and have so much fun. I know that the pros of leaving far outweigh the cons. But the cons of leaving are the really painful ones. It may be the intelligent decision to go out to a place where I can pursue a career doing what I love to do, and I'm going to have so many more opportunities that I would encounter staying in my comfort zone, but my emotional side is also totally freaking out because I'm going to have to live without my mommy. I've dealt with a lot of crap in my life, and people have come and gone, and sometimes full out abandoned me, but my mom has always always been there for me, and it completely tears me apart that now I'm going to be the one doing the leaving.
I'm so thankful for being given this chance to work towards what I want to do, but it just hurts. I want to GO, it just really sucks that I have to LEAVE.


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